The Long-Lasting Emotional Effects Of Divorce

According to research done at John Hopkins University through the National Institute on Aging, divorce can leave long-lasting effects on mental and physical health that even remarriage might not repair.  They found that divorced people have 20% more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer than married people do. The same study found a 23% increase in divorced individuals who have mobility limitations, such as trouble climbing stairs or walking a block.  For years, research has shown that being married increases life expectancy.  We now have research that indicates the quality of life for married people is increased as well.

While it’s nearly impossible to calculate all of the costs associated with divorce, anyone who has witnessed what happens in divorce knows that it undermines and devalues the very things that give us a sense of security, significance and well-being in our lives.

Before you decide you can afford a divorce, take into account that money is not the only price you could pay… the emotional and physical cost of divorce is much higher.

The Rising Cost Of Divorce

It would be hard to find an adult today who doesn’t have some idea of the hard costs associated with divorce.  Most agree that legal representation is both a necessary and expensive part of getting divorced. Understandably, with attorney fees ranging from $75 to $450 an hour along with up-front retainers of $500 to $10,000, a divorce these days comes with a pretty high price tag.  Along with attorney fees, there are court costs for filing, process serving, mediation, subpoenas, and even more should your case go to trial. When a divorcing couple has children, there are additional costs including financial determinations of child support and alimony.  All of which, have significant financial ramifications.

With the average cost of a divorce estimated at nearly $20K, the couples feeling the greatest monetary impact are from middle-income homes, especially where both spouses work. Going from one residence to two, means an increase in living expenses on less overall income.  The domino effect of dividing assets, settling debts and establishing separate households is that the majority of people who divorce, walk away from their marriage having significantly decreased, if not completely lost, their financial security along with their marriage.

What Does Divorce Buy?

In spite of the thousands and thousands of dollars spent, most couples who get divorced never really learn what caused their marriage troubles to begin with.  They don’t understand that their own attitudes and behaviors contributed to the break-up and how the same thing will happen again unless they learn more about themselves and acquire the relationship skills necessary for a healthy marriage.

Divorce doesn’t fix, it ends. There are many other choices available to couples with marriage problems that will help them live a better, happier life.  More often than not, a marriage intensive partnered with follow-up counseling helps couples to become  better for themselves, their spouse, and find the way to save their marriage and keep their family together.

First things first: Focus on what you cannot, will not or should not do. Let’s say you begin noticing the subtle signs of infidelity, but aren’t sure whether to confront your spouse or simply ignore the problem for the time being. Denial will only deepen your spouse’s notion of being invulnerable and encourage continuation of the affair without fear of being caught. Being open and honest with your spouse is important once you feel the signs of cheating are strong enough to confront. You need a game plan prior to approaching the subject. Step back from the shock and overriding emotions. Take a deep breath and begin to gather information that you can then take to your spouse. Never assume an affair. Get proof before you accuse, or the situation could go from bad to worse.

What next? If your spouse is or has been in an affair, then of course your instinct to be angry, hurt, and depressed may cloud your better judgment. Quite frankly, you’ll need time to mourn the loss of trust and intimacy between you and your spouse. But do not allow your anger to overpower your need to work toward a solution. Gaining trust after infidelity is not always a moot point, depending on the circumstances. However, it is dangerous to ignore the affair. Worse yet, is to confront both parties without first getting yourself right.

So you’ve gathered proof, confronted the affair and have begun to formulate a plan and a purpose for your relationship going forward. But, you’re not certain how you should progress from here. Asking Questions will help you to decide the future of your marriage. If you want a future for your marriage, it helps both of you to cope with infidelity when you ask questions. Just be sure you want to know the answers. The cheating spouse will likely want to maintain silence, as guilt and shame stamp down any desire to talk about the affair. To save your marriage, it is imperative that you and your spouse talk about the affair, but the timing and degree to which you discuss details should be a mutual decision. What you shouldn’t do is demand answers on your terms, without professional guidance, no matter how hurt and angry you may be. Doing so will only risk driving your spouse into complete silence.

Finally, never underestimate the power of support. Look to trained marriage professionals for that invaluable commodity in dealing with infidelity in marriage: perspective. Ask those who have been through an affair and saved their marriage for advice on how to handle the aftermath. Investigate our A New Beginning weekend crisis marriage workshop. Three out of four couples in marriage crisis who attend A New Beginning save their marriage. Though a marriage cannot be saved until an affair is ended, your spouse’s affair does not have to be ended in order to attend the weekend. Contact us. We can help, and would like to try.

Confronting the “What led to this?” question can be the most difficult part of the equation. It is an important step however to getting down to the root of the issue at hand. Although you may feel betrayed and violated, losing control of your emotions and angrily confronting and accusing your spouse can potentially create more obstacles to overcome than you already have before you. Remember that the less judgmental you are, the more likely your spouse will be to open up.

Often, we become too hurt and angry to think clearly enough to consider the other person’s point of view in the situation. By no means does this justify infidelity, but it can help both of you better understand what is happening in your relationship. By discussing what led up to this, you are opening an honest line of communication to help identify and address what contributed to your spouse’s infidelity. This may be difficult, especially during a marriage crisis, but identifying the marriage issues are the first step to making changes that can help save your marriage.

Infidelity marriage crisis issues are some of the toughest to tackle, but remember that it is worth it to work things out between you and your spouse. A marriage crisis workshop such as A New Beginning can put you on the right path to resolving marriage conflict and saving a marriage.

This ability to communicate is also one of the key components for restoring love back in marriage when the stresses of life start to take their toll and create problems.  Even the best of marriages are faced with struggles and difficulties that can take a happy, loving couple to the brink of crisis.  There are times in life when, despite your best efforts, issues can become so hard that all the good advice and sometimes even knowledge does very little to help if you don’t know how to apply them in your relationship.

Communicating effectively in the middle of a marriage crisis is hard for couples who already know how to talk to one another, but for couples who can’t, it’s almost impossible without direction or help.  It’s difficult to determine what advice you should apply to your relationship and what things are better left alone.  With all good intentions, friends and family often think they know what is best but often they too are emotionally involved and what works for them may not work for you.  Sometimes it may seem that the best marriage help comes from listening and learning from your mistakes. While experience is always a good teacher, most couples don’t have a lot of experience in successfully working through these types of issues or they would have already done so and avoided a marriage crisis.

Consider the following as you decide how to work through your marriage problems.

• Are you sure you know what the problem is? Don’t assume you know or understand what your spouse is feeling or going through.  You don’t have to agree, but finding out exactly what the issue is the first step to solving it.
• Are you being open minded? Being willing to find solutions is the only way to find them.
• Do you know how to forgive and move past the issues? Working through marriage problems is no place for martyrs or victims.  Being either only creates more issues in a relationship.
• Are you willing to look at your behaviors? Each spouse brings their own attitudes, actions and points of view into the marriage. The dynamics of a marriage are based on the behaviors of both spouses.
• Are you willing to learn new ways of interacting with your spouse? Marriages become strong when both spouses are able to talk with and listen to each other.  Real communication is an acquired skill.

For many couples, professional marriage help is an effective way to discover and examine the true issues in the marriage, as well as learn the skills necessary to develop a healthy relationship.  Although many couples are apprehensive about discussing their marital issues with a “stranger,” the opportunity to gain the tools and knowledge to save your marriage often outweighs the discomfort. Knowing your expectations, expressing them to your spouse, and gaining a better understanding of your and your partner’s needs and how to fulfill them are vital in rebuilding your marriage.

One of the greatest benefits of developing a strong, loving marriage is that regardless of struggles and issues, you are never without hope. A marriage crisis can happen, but the respect, appreciation and commitment of both spouses creates a strength that gets you through the hard times and builds on memories made during the good times.

How you go about bringing up your suspicions of infidelity can be as overwhelming as the issue itself. If you calmly and unaccusingly approach your spouse with your concerns, you may be able to establish an open line of communication that can go a long way toward working through this issues and rebuilding your relationship.

Your feelings of hurt and violation are valid. Make this clear to your spouse as you start to ask how the situation can be repaired. Conflict in marriage is a part of life, but finding comfort in another person rather than solving the conflict is not an acceptable resolution. Remember that in any marriage there is a periodic necessity for marriage help to renew and strengthen the bonds of the marriage. By talking through the issues, together you can begin to regain the love and trust you once shared. It will take time, effort, patience and forgiveness on both parts, but it is necessary to rebuild and save your marriage.

There is no question that infidelity may be one of the hardest marriage issues to tackle. Many couples feel that professional marriage help is the safest and most effective way to work through the complexity of emotions that result from issues of infidelity. Don’t hesitate to get help if you need it. Bleak as it may seem in the moment, it is still possible to resolve things and save your marriage. A marriage crisis workshop like A New Beginning could be just the thing your relationship needs to set it back on the right path.

Solving conflict in marriage can be a difficult process without the proper guidance. Sometimes, in spite of your best efforts, you continue to have the same problems with no solution in sight. Rather than allowing marriage issues to hold you and your spouse hostage, consider seeking the guidance of a professional marriage counselor, marriage workshop or some other type of third-party marriage help.

Can a marriage workshop or counseling truly save my marriage? This question is asked by most couples considering help.  While ultimately the fate of your marriage is in your hands, the vast majority of marriages saved from the path of divorce have benefited from some type of professional marriage help. Here is why:

• A third-party professional is trained and experienced in helping you resolve marriage conflict. They can take you through a series of proven steps to put you and your spouse back on the track to a healthy marriage.
• Perspective is an important commodity in conflict management. Unfortunately, as your relationship troubles deepen, it becomes increasingly difficult for you to separate your emotional attachment to the issues during your search for a solution to your marriage crisis. A marriage professional has no bias and can help you see through the emotions of the issues to focus on resolving your marital problems.
• The process is inclusive and interactive and focuses on improving your communication, understanding your behaviors and developing skills to help you and your spouse resolve issues in a productive manner.

If your marriage is at a point of marriage crisis, there is no room for amateur attempts at reconciliation. Research your options to determine the best type of program for you and your spouse.  Look for programs that you feel evidence understanding of exactly what you’re going through, and have a proven track record of saving marriages.  Remember, seeking qualified help is the first step toward resolving your marriage problems and rebuilding your marriage.

While there is no perfect formula to resolve marriage conflict, there are better ways to deal with difficult marriage issues.  The information available through marriage workshops can give you and your spouse the best form of marriage help for your situation.

In all practicality, the rigors of financial responsibilities and stresses that tend to hold your routines hostage means there is less time for marriage intimacy unless you make it.  Unfortunately when it comes to making time for our personal relationships, we are our own worst enemies.  We allow work and daily routines to take over.  More often than not, people don’t realize it until it’s too late and there is a problem in their marriage.  Keeping connected emotionally and physically is an extremely important part of a marriage. A sexless marriage is not only psychologically unhealthy for both partners, it could be a contributing factor for a marriage in crisis.

While we all love the idea of a long romantic evening, planning the time to demonstrate your affection for your spouse can be exciting in its own rite.  Sit down with your spouse and talk about making a date for each other and let it become part of your weekly routine. Don’t think of it as a date for sex but rather let sex be the natural outcome of reconnecting with your mate.  Be creative about planning your time together.  Even if you have to make a schedule, it doesn’t have to become routine.  Let it be the TGIF you look forward to during the week.

All marriages go through times when sex has to take a back seat to other priorities in caring for the family, but these times shouldn’t define your sex life.  If it becomes the rule versus the exception, don’t just expect it to turnaround on its own.  Try to work with your spouse to arrange quality time together.  If you and your spouse can’t find your way through the problems, seek professional marriage help.  There are many options available including support groups, weekend marriage workshops and counselors who specialize in marriage intimacy and sex.  Let sex help you and your spouse stay connected, not drive you apart.

As generations before us learned, during financially hard times, couples need to work together to avoid many marriage issues spawned by overspending and disagreement.  Expenses that were once considered incidental are the kind of things that now have to be carefully thought about. Many couples find that their financial situation can be greatly improved when both spouses fully understand and agree on how their money should be spent.

Is this a want or a need?

Thousands of marketing dollars are spent each year convincing us that we can’t live without “whatever it is.”  We’ve been raised on impulse buying with everything from blue-light specials to end caps filled with little conveniences. Before you make that extra little purchase, ask yourself if it something you truly need or is it something you impulsively want. Many marriage problems can be avoided just by paying more attention to our needs versus wants.

Do you really know what your financial situation is?

It’s nearly impossible for you and your spouse to join together and develop a budget that is financially sound if you are not both fully aware of your monetary standing.  You and your spouse should go over everything from life insurance to college funds, retirement, savings, indebtedness, long- and short-term disability, mortgages, and other financial choices.  Too often couples don’t talk about or even consider these things until a tragedy occurs.  Take the time, as difficult as it can be, to review spending and saving habits. Once it’s out in the open, you can go about managing it as a team.

Are you prepared in the event of an emergency?

Talking about and financially planning for the unexpected can help your family avoid what could become a financial catastrophe. What if one of you were to lose your job? How would you handle long-term medical bills or costly automotive or home repairs?  Financial problems only compound already difficult situations and potentially create a marriage crisis. Make sure you and your spouse go over backup plans, such as savings and insurance to help alleviate the burden of unexpected and unwanted expenses.

Although financial issues are handled differently in every marriage, many of the problems that occur because of financial struggles are the same.  The feelings of being overwhelmed and afraid are common for most couples.  Don’t hesitate to get help from counseling services or other marriage professionals if you are not sure how to go about coping with marriage problems in the midst of money problems. Don’t let money keep you from saving your marriage.

Divorce has a catastrophic effect on everyone around you: children, family, friends, indeed, your whole network. Here are three starting points toward avoiding divorce in a cultural climate that might make it hard to resist at times.

1.  Talk it out.

Obvious, right? Wrong! Many couples become so blinded in a haze of non-communication and built-up grudges that they actually stop speaking to one another and become lost in their marriage issues. Take a breath! Open your eyes. You are two human beings who need love and attention, and this begins by discussing things with each other. Start small. Ask questions and listen. Listen some more. From there, you can start to regain the communication that was once there.

2.  Engage in some PDA.

That’s right: Public (or private) Displays of Affection. That doesn’t mean however that you have to act like a teenager. Hold hands, rub your spouse’s back, and even go for a kiss on the cheek. Saving a marriage is big-time work, but showing your spouse you love them with a small touch goes a long way. Of course, if you are aware that your spouse doesn’t want to be touched or kissed, only do so after getting their permission. It is worth the effort.

3.  Get help.

Sometimes, it’s time to yell “Uncle!” and admit that you two need some marriage help. You are not alone! Lots of couples utilize marriage workshops and marriage seminars to help them through difficult times and to avoid divorce. “A New Beginning” is a marriage workshop that consistently proves to be one of the best available. Take the step to get the help you need to save your marriage.