It’s never easy going from dedicated self reliance to a situation of sharing financial burden and responsibility. Ironically, finances after marriage often means the things you probably took for granted before, like your monthly recreation allowance, all of a sudden become the forefront of your new financial journey with your “better half.” So it becomes the battle of what to give in to and what to give up on.

Consider these guidelines for tackling finance in marriage before you find yourself splitting hairs over the grocery budget, Pilates classes and your personal purchases:

Transition your individual accounts to a joint account. This requires a lot of talking, planning together and mutual agreements. As each of you are trustworthy and trust the other, you have the opportunity to dream together and build together the life you want. Consider a joint and single account so that you can merge at a slower pace.

Budget and allocate money for the important necessities and big purchases in advance of every month. Surprise purchases often equal big fights, so work together first to budget your expenses. Find activities to do together to reduce the strain of spending “our money” on personal expenses or whims. Try setting aside a separate budget every month for items that are important to each of you individually so that you are caring for each other.

Obviously there is no picture-perfect means to understanding household finance, but the key to managing and learning how to manage finances after marriage is working together. It could be said that learning to handle finances in marriage is much like learning to ride a bike, with your initial efforts producing a few bumps and bruises, and the later efforts offering relatively smooth sailing once you learn the ropes.

Just as learning how to ride a bicycle is easier with help, learning how to manage household finance is easier if you learn to communicate about your individual and joint priorities. Give us a call to learn how we can help.

Hire babysitters
If you have younger children in your house, consider making plans to go out with your spouse at least once a month to reconnect, just the two of you away from the children and the pressures of day-to-day life. Before there were kids, there was just the two of you, so regularly treat yourself to a night out on the town to remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Keep in touch
Let your spouse know you are thinking about them throughout the day with quick phone calls, emails or text messages. Knowing that your spouse is thinking about you is a great reminder of the love that is still there.

Do the little things again
Treating your spouse to little things such as flowers, unexpected gifts, a nice home-cooked dinner, or a personally delivered lunch when they are having a bad day can remind you both just what you mean to each other. When we get buried with the responsibilities of everyday life, we forget that small gestures can go a long way toward saying “I love you!”

Write it down
When was the last time you wrote your spouse a good old-fashioned love letter? Sometimes it is much easier for us to express the way we feel when it is written down. Reminisce about earlier times in your relationship and write about things you look forward to that could go a long way to restoring love in your marriage.

If you feel like you are “stuck” in a loveless marriage, have faith that there is always an answer. Are you willing to reach out for help? We want to help you restore the love in your marriage.

Chair-throwing ordeals and staged conflicts seem to draw an uncanny and mildly disturbing fascination from a society mired in a growing divorce rate. But why? Has healthy marriage become less “real” and more conceptual, or is it simply that a gradual desensitization to suffering has allowed this generation of married couples to trade honesty and hard work for the easy way out?

Conflict in marriage is inevitable; it’s the art of resolving marriage conflict that has become degraded by this notion of reality entertainment that vaguely resembles a mix between bad soap opera, Hollywood excess and scripted couples therapy. It’s okay to admit that you can’t solve your marital problems on your own. It’s okay to pursue professional help and intervention before your marriage derails down a path toward a dead end.

It’s disheartening to think that so many of us have forgotten that the path to healthy relationships  involves a healthy dose of self-respect, individuality and a willingness to talk out our problems. It seems we would rather allow the twisted trappings of Jerry Springer syndrome and reality television to confuse our better judgment on what marriage should or shouldn’t be.

Conflict management when it comes to marriage isn’t as desperate or hopeless as the ordeals of day-time television portray. In fact, resolving conflict in marriage in many ways means returning to the concepts that helped build a relationship worthy of marriage in the first place. Talk, listen and learn.  If these methods fail, then apply the same model with the help and direction provided by a third party who specializes in resolving marriage conflicts. There is no shame in asking for help; nor is there a limit to the importance of remaining open to understanding love and its many challenges.

So while the emotional impact of infidelity in marriage does not change because of the Internet, coping with infidelity becomes infinitely more challenging. Interaction on Facebook and Myspace is relatively uninhibited and cheaply attained, making it almost laughably easy for couples in strained marriages to find solace in the confines of social networking. Furthermore, infidelity in marriage can wear many hats, with emotional intimacy or flirtations potentially being just as damaging to a relationship as physical encounters.

Social networking sites are but one aspect of intimacy on the Internet that presents a challenge for married couples. The ease of accessibility to chat rooms, dating sites, pornography, personal ads and the privacy protections built in means a cheating wife or cheating husband is cushioned somewhat from the prying eyes of the outside world, and from their spouse. It’s a double-edged sword: just as technology has opened doors to social and business opportunities that are a direct result of the power that the Internet provides for networking, it also opens hallways for unhappy marriages to become lost in the convenience and deception of cyber romance.

Hope lies in the comfort of the foundations of marriage and relationships. Coping with infidelity on the Internet doesn’t require any more work than couples dealing with a physical relationship. Trust and honesty still play their respective parts, and the process of gaining trust after infidelity still relies on recognizing and embracing each other’s emotional needs, confronting challenges together head on, and the willingness to reach out for help if the process becomes too difficult to navigate alone.

Here are 5 common-sense and simple tips to engaging your spouse and enjoying a long-lasting and passionate relationship:

• Talk – Communicate your need for intimacy, what you need to maintain a healthy level of physical intimacy and how to compromise so neither spouse feels like the burden of “giving” weighs heavily on one set of shoulders rather than two.

• Listen – Though it may seem rather obvious, often the first roadblock to marriage intimacy blindsides a healthy marriage because communication becomes one-sided. But communicating your physical needs accomplishes nothing if you are unable to meet your spouse halfway and place equal importance on listening to her or his physical needs.

• Compromise – Healthy sex in marriage can be one of two things: an avenue to a stronger emotional bond between partners or a burden on one spouse who feels her or his needs are not being met. The two steps above are meaningless if communication between spouses does not lead to a compromise where both partners receive equal share in the intimacy department. Quite simply, romancing your spouse can often fail due to the pressure of one partner feeling like she or he bears the brunt of the effort to maintain physical intimacy. Therefore, the emotional intimacy suffers. Learn to have equal consideration for each other’s sexual and emotional needs.

• Schedule Time – Busy work routines, family obligations and other distractions often mean marriage intimacy falls to the bottom of your priorities. Either you and your spouse make time for sex, whether it be at least once per week or whenever you can escape responsibilities and distractions, or you risk romance falling by the wayside.

• Get Away – Sometimes stepping away from stress and obligations and enjoying a new adventure, a change of scenery and a break from the familiar can be the spark to put a sexless marriage back on track. Spouses need time to spend alone, away from family, work and the hustle and bustle of a busy world.

Though obvious, marriage intimacy is essential to a healthy relationship. The effort to communicate, listen to your spouse’s needs, schedule time together and step away from the pressures of daily life can go a long way toward helping you and your spouse enjoy your marriage even more. If all else fails, seek out professional guidance to help build confidence in exploring what avenues can make the physical part of your marriage stronger. Contact us to learn how we can help.

Many factors can contribute to a poor sex life and lead to a myriad of relationship problems and in some cases to divorce. Couples stop spending time together or the sex in marriage is not what it used to be and couples get bored. The novelty and excitement has worn off. Others seek something new and exciting and start having affairs or looking for sexual adventures elsewhere. This choice ultimately brings a person to great regret later.

Another common cause is the birth of a child. After giving birth, women in general do not feel sexy; many say they feel trapped in a body that they hardly recognize. They then experience a sense of loss in terms of their sexuality. Their lives revolve around cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and an endless list of things that need to be done, not to mention job responsibilities for those women working outside the home. Finding time for romance and relaxation becomes tricky and difficult. Easy and spontaneous intimacy is lost and instead it has been substituted for a need of planning and discussion.  And because of busy lives, sex in marriage is put aside and not made a priority anymore. Sex is at the bottom of the list. As stress interferes, there is no time to devote to each other.

Sex in marriage is a vital and crucial part of the couple’s intimacy that should not be neglected, especially after the arrival of a child. Losing intimacy after having kids is normal but should not be permanent. Intimacy is considered the glue of a marriage. It is also important to be able to find a connection between being a parent and a woman/man. Spouses should not summon themselves to a sexless life. They need to reclaim their intimacy slowly by communicating and talking openly to each other, thus reconnecting and revitalizing the passion that once existed.

It is said that people who have a good sex life feel better physically and mentally. It is also important for the individual’s overall health. It is good for the mind and the body. Spouses in happy marriages are healthier and suffer less emotional stress. Marriages need to maintain their sexual vitality. If that is not the case, the marriage is at risk and saving your marriage should become a priority. We can help. Please call us.

The average person spends $600 to $800 on gifts.  How much of it is paid for in cash or credit can have a lot to do with how a couple will feel in January and February when the bills start coming in. Giving gifts is a fantastic thing to do, but is it worth problems in your relationship? Maybe it is that hot new toy you’d like to buy for your child or a new HDTV or expensive piece of jewelry for your spouse. In many situations, couples take on a fair amount of debt to purchase gifts during the holiday season. This debt could handcuff them for many months to come. Before making holiday gift purchases, be sure to have a conversation with your spouse about household finances and come to an agreement on a budget, one that you can both get behind and support so that issues will less likely arise in the aftermath.

Are finances causing a problem in your marriage? If so, you have a lot of company.  Money problems are one of the top things couples say they argue about. Lots of  couples today seek help from many different sources to help them learn how to talk, plan and understand about money and marriage.  It is perfectly okay to admit, “Hey, we have a problem with finances in our marriage, let’s reach out for help before it becomes too late!”  You are not admitting defeat, just taking the biggest step to saying that your marriage is worth saving. Don’t let something like the holiday season, which is supposed to bring joy and family togetherness, become a source of strife in your relationship.

Work and no play makes family activities a fading commodity in some households, as the growing number of dual-working parents means families actually spending quality time together becomes less common by the year. Compounding the problems with family communication is trying to balance working parents with busy school and extra-curricular activities, often spending less time together as a family, and only where time allows. The final nail in the proverbial coffin lies in the ease of communicating via text messaging, email and the treasure trove of electronic interaction that has largely replaced face-to-face communication.

So how do families grow together rather than grow apart? The first step involves the parents communicating and working together to schedule time for family activities, setting a precedent for the children that spending time together is a priority. The second step requires sitting down as a family and talking through family issues, allowing the children to give feedback and feel engaged in the process. The third step requires finding activities that everyone agrees on, and making a point to leave the cell phones and distractions behind.

But none of these steps mean much if the parents don’t set the example first. Make it clear to your family that Mom and Dad spending time together is an absolute priority, and not an “option” up for discussion. As parents, your children will look to you to set parameters, but they will also look for signs that you believe their interests and priorities are important. Family activities should take each family member’s input into consideration, rather than forcing the issue, which can only lead to resentment and further complications.

Sadly, the world we live in allots very little time for families to interact in a healthy and engaging manner. You have to make time to loosen the chains of responsibility, and you have to be willing to listen and compromise. Healthy family communication starts and ends with you, the parents, but it absolutely does not require you to row the boat alone. As always, reaching out to an unbiased and professional third party to help you bridge chasms between family members is a good option if family issues break communication down to a level where you can no longer engage your family in a healthy manner.

Give us a call. We would love to help you with your marriage.

If you have already separated, there are things you can do to work towards getting back together. Here are some tips to surviving a marriage separation:

1. Communicate expectations and set ground rules.
2. Set an agreed upon time line for temporary marriage separation and frequency of communication. Make sure that both parties agree to interact and commit to working on the cause of the marriage problems and possible solutions to expedite the healing process.
3. Establish a balanced visitation schedule for the children that doesn’t alienate them from one parent or another.
4. Continue parenting as a team. It will be very difficult for a child to understand that the marriage separation will only be temporary. Maintaining a positive outlook and attitude will help ease the pain and confusion for the children.
5. Use the time apart to work on your behaviors that contributed to the marriage problems. Examine what your needs and expectations were in the beginning and how they’ve changed as the marriage progressed.
6. Make a concerted effort to learn and listen without being defensive. Focus on working together to find solutions rather than fixing blame.
7. If the emotional separation becomes overwhelming, seek out professional counseling to help overcome from the pain, anger and other overarching emotions that will make it far more difficult to communicate effectively.
8. Concentrate on changing your own behavior. Take consistent actions to demonstrate love for each other. 

Marriage separation may seem like the easy way out, but its negative effects can far outweigh any benefits. Saving a marriage from separation can be achieved by applying some of the steps above early in the process, learning to listen, and adapting and growing as your spouse’s needs change.  Consider seeking out professional help to guide and navigate you through the separation and help you get back together to develop a strong, healthy marriage. Call us. We can help.

While conflict in marriage might be difficult to deal with, you are better off confronting the situation that is bothering you than letting the issue fester. Not dealing with conflict at all can be just as detrimental to  the relationship as not being able to resolve the problem. If you are taking steps to resolve marriage conflict, you should remain aware of how you personally are emotionally dealing with the situation. If you become very defensive, claim a right and a wrong in the situation, don’t listen to understand your spouse’s needs, or dominate the argument, you will almost certainly be doing more harm than good. The important things to remember when dealing with marriage conflict are that there are two of you with unmet needs and that a compromise should be the ultimate goal.

But what happens if you get to the point where you say “enough!” in your relationship? Can your relationship be salvaged? No matter where you are with your conflict issues, there is always hope for your relationship. If you feel like conflict in marriage has taken hold of your relationship, it is never too late to seek help. A weekend retreat workshop which helps deal with conflict in your marriage might be exactly the thing you need. It could help you and your spouse resolve your issues and not only get your relationship back on track, but make it even better than ever.