Save a Marriage, Help a Family
If a marriage is threatened with breakup, spouses may reject offers of help.
Strong resistance to family’s and friends’ suggestions and advice is common. The hurting husband and wife feel such anger, depression, and a sense of shame and failure that they may shut down any hope that their marriage can be saved.
The hurting couple’s extended family is hurting also. These family members can help the couple move in the right direction to heal their marriage. Hurting family members usually want to help the couple, but just don’t know how. Divorce affects all members of the family, both immediate and extended family members. The relationship of parents, siblings, and relatives can provide support and encouragement for rebuilding a marriage in some surprising ways. Two things to keep in mind:
- Hurting families can cause additional hurt. It’s normal to feel discouraged, confused, and angry at yourself over the situation. Initial shock, disbelief, and grief may cause you to blow up and attack the couple. Try to be calm, not explosive, as you interact with them.
- Hurting families can help. A family member can become a sounding board where the couple can safely “let off steam.” However, guard against becoming embroiled in the couple’s issues. Families can select a designated “listener” who keeps current with the couple.
Research the professional help available to the couple.
Because couples are in a state of emotional confusion and conflict, they may not seek help for themselves. Do the initial leg work for them. Give them helpful information without being pushy or demanding. Be gentle, available, and non-intrusive. As a family member you may be their bridge to professional help and nothing more.
Some couples need a little family help to get to A New Beginning Workshop to get the help they really need.
- Remind the couple: Kids lose in a divorce. A kid’s childhood is broken, yet divorced parents will remain connected with each other for the rest of their children’s lives. At holidays and weddings, their kids will witness the sadness, hurt, and unresolved issues again and again.
- Give consequences: Grab the couple’s attention and move them to constructive action. If a breakup occurs, clearly spell out what the consequence will be.
- Do something: It’s better to attempt to give help than be paralyzed by indecision and uncertainty over what is the best course of action. Get the advice and support of a qualified professional before trying to help the hurting couple. The extended family usually does not have a clear picture of both sides of the story. There are private matters that haven’t been revealed by one or both to the rest of the family.
The extended family’s own emotional pain can cloud the truth.
When a couple’s marriage is threatened with breakup, every family member is at higher risk of becoming prejudiced and destructively taking sides. When your son or daughter, sister or brother is hurting in their marriage, you hurt, too. Because you love and care for them, you’ll want to strongly protect and defend them. Be sure your well-intended words and actions move them in the right direction.
Encourage the hurting couple to come to A New Beginning Workshop.
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