Marital Conflict: Expectations
Conflicts arise out of anything from not replacing the toilet paper to coming home three hours late last night. Is it really a big deal? Is it worth the tension, anger, hurting words and feelings? Both of you may back into the corners, neither going to the center of the ring to fight another round. “What is the use?” “I don’t care anymore.” “I just don’t care enough to fight.” Those may be signs of isolation behind why you just walked away from the marriage emotionally or physically. It may be for hours or forever.
Marital Expectations
What difference does missing toilet paper or hours make? Your spouse’s depression, selfishness, disrespect, overload of work, hopelessness or expression of anger may be behind it. It can be a combination of these and other factors. The bottom line is that all of us have some expectation of how we want to be treated in a marriage. When enough of those expectations are disappointed, you may react, “Wait a minute. This is going too far. I didn’t get married for this. I’m outta here.”
Then there are expectations you have of the way you treat your spouse. You may have behaviors toward your spouse you don’t like or feel good about. Early in marriage you heard yourself sincerely saying, “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”– with compassion and real sorrow. But, now, if said at all, it may be, “Sorry!” with irritation or dispirited resignation. Then giving up on yourself, “I just can’t do this anymore.” Despair over trying to please your spouse, or knowing what to do or how to handle the difficulties in your marriage can cause you to just want to end the marriage.
Unmet Marital Expectations
Whether these expectations are from you or your spouse, sometimes you are not making it with each other because one or both of you don’t know what those expectations are. Sometimes you do know, but are afraid to express them or talk about them. Your expectations may come from your family relationship models, a sense of what would make you feel loved, valued, important or safe. You both have expectations of what makes you feel whole and complete in a marriage. Where are those expectations now?
Meeting Expectations
You need safe ways to communicate effectively so that you can begin to understand the frustrations of each other, to want to and begin to meet reasonable expectations. What about the expectations of your spouse do you think are unreasonable? Reasonable or not, at A New Beginning workshop Family Dynamics Institute gives you a way to understand each other’s expectations and reduce the tension and conflict so that you can reach important agreement together. As you understand and meet each other’s expectations, excitement in your marriage begins to return for hours, then forever.
Please follow the “Get More Information” link below to find out how A New Beginning can change the way you and your spouse handle conflict.
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